I need to get some things said…
Just a quick chat about transphobia and the importance of both talking to people about negative thoughts and listening to people when they come to you with problems. Let me know if you enjoy this video. I may try to make more unscripted stuff like this in the future.
Here are some secrets to making sure that THIS is the message you’re sending to trans-folks.
Source: allarewelcomehere.us
I had an experience at work not long ago that will stay with me for some time.
A regular at the welcome center that I work at (a regular according to him; I’m usually to busy to recognize faces) approached me. And while I don’t think he meant any harm in retrospect, he asked me a lot of questions that were kind of creepy and made me feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, in fact, that I spent a few minutes when I got home that day shrieking in frustration into my pillow when I was sure no one was around.
So, to help circumvent such awkward moments for transgender and cisgender folks alike, I’d like to highlight a few problem areas in the exchange I had in hopes that people will understand why these particular topics are bothersome to us and hopefully avoid them in the future.
The issue started with the gentleman correctly assumed that I was transgender because I apparently looked like his sister (telling a woman she looks like your sister is troublesome as well, but a different issue altogether) and she was transgender as well.
Now, I’m an exception to the rule in this case; I typically don’t mind if people ask if I’m trans or not because I see it as an opportunity to educate and inform them about any questions they may have. However, calling attention to it can cause a lot of trans-people to feel singled out and targeted. Bare in mind, ours is a community that has spent the bulk of our time in the mainstream consciousness ducking a lot of hate people that have issues with us. So when someone points out that we’re transgender, our first thoughts tend to be a panicked flurry of, “oh god, does this person have a problem with me? Are they fetishizing me? What do they want?”
Usually, it’s best to just treat them like a human first and let them come out to you once they feel comfortable around you. Remember: nobody likes to be outed against their will.
He then proceeded to take note of my nametag and asked me if that was my ‘real name’ and what it was. Being at work, this was the point where I had to bite back on my anger and inform him that I didn’t feel comfortable divulging that kind of info.
The fact of the matter is that the names we use, whether we change them or not, ARE REAL. They’re the names we use to interact with others and that they use in turn. They’re as real as they would ever need to be. Suggesting that our chosen names are aren’t real is a good way unintentionally delegitimize us and our identity. If we change our given names, there’s probably a good reason why we don’t want you knowing them.
One of the things that most often marks me as a trans-woman in public – and the thing that this gentleman keyed on – is my height (6’4″ in flats). This wasn’t too objectionable as many people are quite fond of my height. However, it was when he got to asking me about HRT and surgery that things got a little strange.
As I said, transgender people typically dislike being reminded that they are transgender. And a good way to remind us is to ask us personal details about our bodies. It’s actually really hard to talk about things like Gender Affirmation Surgery or Hormone Replacement without feeling like someone is fetishizing or judging us (our dating profiles are often clogged with messages akin to, “Dick or no dick.”). So, once again, let us be the ones to come to you first instead of just asking us if our boobs are real (seriously, not even cisgender women like that).
But even if this guy was a perfect gentleman about all the above, it wouldn’t have mattered because he broke the number one rule…
I’ve noticed that this is a problem that mostly plagues the men that enter my business rather than the women; girls will often wait until I’m out shopping or walking in the park to ask questions and make passes at me (yes, I’ve been flirted with by women as often as – if not more often then men *blush*). And it’s not like I don’t enjoy the compliments, the attention, or the chance to inform people because I do. It’s just that timing and situation makes all of the difference.
So, I’m going to spell this out to everyone as plainly as possible: Regardless of whether a person is trans, cis, or otherwise, DON’T GET PERSONAL WHILE WE ARE WORKING. We can actually get in a lot of trouble for discussing personal lives on the job. Plus, our responses are very limited due to the level decorum we’re forced to maintain. Waiting until we’re working to ask personal questions or make passes at us has the effect, whether you intend it or not, of making you seem opportunistic and cowardly by forcing us to speak to you in a time and place where we can’t tell you off without being punished for it.
In short, don’t treat us like women, men, or something off the binary; just treat us like people.
So, there’s been a lot of mixed feelings among the movie lovers lately. And almost all of it centers around the first trailer for the first ever official live-action Pokémon movie. Some have fallen instantly in love while others have already written it off as another soulless cash grab with no love. So, let’s break down and examine the trailer for Detective Pikachu.
Judging from the trailer, the plot seems to be at least partially inspired by the game of the same name to a significant degree. Tim Goodman (Justice Smith) has moved to Ryme City – a metropolis where humans and Pokémon coexist and aid each other freely – in order to uncover the secret behind the disappearance of his father Harry, a beloved detective. Tim meets up with his dad’s old partner; a Pikachu (Ryan Reynolds) that, for reasons unknown to either of them, only he can hear speak. The two work together to find out the truth about Harry as well as the last case he was working on before his disappearance.
One of the complaints I routinely hear is that the Pokémon designs look uncanny – like toys or monsters rather than actual creatures. To that, I say, “Gee whiz, it almost like the name ‘Pokémon’ was a hybridization of the words ‘pocket MONSTER!'” I actually like the designs that they used here. The pokémon are appropriately cute/scary exactly when they should be (with the exception of one dead-eyed Psyduck, but I would look the same way if I had a permanent migraine too). You’ll want to hug the fuzzy Jigglypuff (I call them ‘Jiggly-Fluff), be in awe of the precision movements of a clan of Greninja, and wet yourself in the presence of a scar-faced Charizard.
I’m somewhat lukewarm on the casting. Don’t get me wrong; I love Ryan Reynolds and even in his bad movies (looking at you, Green Lantern) he’s entertaining. But so far, it really just feels like he’s reprising his role as Deadpool but in a cute fluffy body. I honestly miss the stereotypical, gruff, hard-boiled gumshoe voice Pikachu had in the game if only because it was hilarious to hear it come out of such a famously cute character. It makes me wonder if the people in charge of casting ever considered taking the fans advice when the game was still being redubbed for English-speaking audiences and tried to get ahold of Danny DeVito to play the role.
My biggest concern is how the movie will adapt itself for audiences coming into Pokémon fresh. Remember, this is a franchise that’s switching to a new medium after building up 22 years of continuity. Yes, you and I may get the in-jokes during the interrogation scene where Pikachu slams into an invisible wall, but how do you explain to someone who HASN’T been playing the games since the first generation, in a story friendly way, that Mr. Mime is a powerful telepath that can conjure psychic barriers via pantomime?
Then again, this IS Nintendo we’re talking about. They bailed out of movie and television adaptations for years after a string of failures here in the states. There’s a very real chance that tightfistedness with their intellectual property may have them demanding more creative control than in previous outings. I’m just saying, as bad as this has the potential to be, it’s probably not going to be as awful as, for instance, The Wizard.
Even with my childhood nostalgia safely in check, I suspect that this will be a passable ‘good bad movie’ at worst. I’m choosing to stay optimistic on this one for now until it can be proven to me that it’s the worst thing Pokémon has done since introducing Garbodor and is equally trash.
Well, I’m burnt out and uninspired. So let’s fall back on my default topic of discussion; my growing appreciation of mobile games.
Honestly, despite the classic-to-crap ratio being kind of disappointing, I’m surprised at how much fun I have with mobile games if only for a brief time before moving on. But these three have stuck with me for some time now and I’m likely not going to back out of them soon.
Aww… no love for Amethyst on the title screen? But she’s my little purple pumpkin…
Source: Steven Universe Wiki
Wow, how long has it been since I geeked out over Steven Universe on this page?
I’ll be honest, as much as I love this show, the games are the one segment I’ve been giving a pass on for some time. That said, This is a fun little idle clicker to help pass the time.
It also does a fair job at going beyond a few of the other idle clickers I’ve played by getting other players involved with raid matches, regular events, and club tournaments – all big rewards. You can even donate character fragments (use for unlocking and improving characters) to your club and use them to bid on fragments you need. It adds a much-needed sense of community.
It’s far from perfect; hearing the same voice lines from characters gets tiresome after a while and there’s a lot of downtime between rounds of leveling up. But it’s a good game to chill with after a long day.
They say that the gods play dice with the lives of mortals…
Source: god.joycity.com
You know that trope of anime where the hero has to save the world by playing games with the rest of the cast. Well, this a game that plays like one of those shows if the game were Monopoly.
That description may sound like a bit of a turn off as Monopoly is the poster child for ‘games that will end friendships.’ But this app does a lot to fix many of the problems with the original. The game moves much faster and often ends well before the set limit of turns while unlockable characters, dice, and customizable decks of skill cards add an extra level of strategy to the game.
If I were to complain about anything, I’d say that it feels a bit limited in its gameplay with only a hand full of game modes that only offer a few minor changes to play. But, even then, it’s a fun game that gets me using my brain.
All the fun of a claw machine without the feeling that you’re getting hosed out of your quarters.
Source: Facebook
You know those claw machines at the arcade that are a total scam because the owner crams them so full of crap that you can never get a good grip and they set claw to be super flimsy and slide right off of everything.
Yeah, this ain’t one of those claw machines.
Clawee is a for real, totally legit, physically-present-in-the-real-world claw machine that you control from your phone to win ACTUAL prices. You get free coins to play with every day, they mail the prizes to your door and even if you run out of plays, it’s still a lot of fun to watch other people play and get excited as they score cool stuff as well.
The unfortunate downside is that, due to the fact that the video streams live, there is a slight delay between your commands and the action on screen. However, with skill and patience, you can very quickly compensate for this and be on your way to winning plush dolls, jewelry, vinyl figures, and home decor.
You know you’re doing the “seduction by lollipop” cliche right when you look like your doing the candy a favor.
Source: Know Your Meme
Ah, screw it. I’m counting this as a Halloween post. I mean, what’s more Halloween than a witch?
So, true to my nature as being infinitely late to the party, I’m just now starting to get into Bayonetta. I picked it up at a reasonable sale price on Steam and I’ll admit openly that I may have had the game wrong all these years. I wrote it off as just ‘Devil May Cry with boobs’ and thought it was just senseless titillation for titillation’s sake. But the more I played it, the more I came to realize that, while it does delve into gratuitousness quite often, it does so in such an over-the-top way as to stop being sexy and start being entertaining on its own merits.
Plus, I’ve come to have genuine affection of the titular Bayonetta herself. I actually feel kind of bad for writing her off as pure fanservice. Because when you actually look at her closely, you come to realize that…
One of the first things I noticed back when I decided to give Bayonetta a miss was how silly her proportions were. I mean, the first thing most people notice when they see her is that she has legs like stilts propping up a torso that’s just a cup size or two shy from being a Rob Liefeld drawing.
But once you see her interacting with “normal” human beings (normal being subjective in such a strange setting), you realize that she’s not some average, everyday superheroine; she’s a 7 foot tall, supernatural amazon witch bred of two warring factions of magic users and molded to be a perfect fighting engine. Of course her body would be an exaggeration of our own – extreme conditions result in extreme personalities and extreme appearances. Those legs NEED to be that powerful-looking so she doesn’t collapse on herself like a top-heavy Barbie doll.
Plus, she’s not just a pair of legs. Look at her delicate facial features and long, swan-like neck. Everything about her is meant to convey grace and class. And when you consider the main mechanic of the game is to make a long string of unbroken attacks in rapid, flowing succession, those are good qualities to have.
Still, there’s no denying that Bayonetta is still heavily sexualized. But, in her case, that’s actually a good thing because…
A large part of my recent journey through gender transition has been building up a positive body image by appreciating the sensuality of my body. Of course, when you work at a rest stop and have a horde of lonely truckers and construction workers – male, female, and otherwise – reminding you of that sensuality on a weekly basis, you tend to enjoy the attention (even though they should REALLY not be doing that to someone who’s on the clock; that’s just rude).
My point is that I’ve learned that flirting can be fun and can make you feel good when done right. And Bayonetta embodies this idea. A lot of people have criticized her for ‘moving like a stripper’ in game, but she always makes it clear that she does so by her own choice (“As long as there’s music, I’ll keep on dancing”). Besides, what’s wrong with erotic dancing anyway? It’s a perfectly noble art that requires years of training and conditioning to do well. I respect anyone with the physical fortitude and self-confidence to perform stark-naked like that for an audience.
And before any of you bring up her “wicked weave”, yes, the fact that her hair is both her costume and her most powerful weapon does lend itself to fanservice. But screw that; if I had a magical updo, you better believe I’d use it for some new wardrobes (“I can’t help it if I like the little outfits”).
Here’s the thing you need to understand about depictions of women in games; for the longest time, there were only two flavors of women.
The first is the cutesy one – small, meek, and gentle. She’s the sort of girl that’s designed to encourage you to want to protect her; i.e., “She just needs a big, strong person around.”
The other is the ice queen – hard, tough, and mostly disinterested in others; ESPECIALLY romantic advances. Whether intentional or not, it reassures the audience that it’s okay to think she’s hot because she doesn’t care anyway.
Both of these are (god, I hate this word…) problematic as one puts the woman on a pedestal and the other outright objectifies her. So how does Bayonetta approach this dilemma?
Bayonetta is not helpless; she can take down entire armies of the most powerful beings in Heaven, Earth, and Hell with ease. But, she’s not cold either; she displays a wide variety of emotions throughout the game and cares a great deal about her own personal enjoyment in particular. This results in a personality that is eager to find pleasure but is skeptical that YOU are the one that can provide it.
Do you get it yet? She’s not a cute princess, nor is she an ice queen; she’s SEXUALLY INTIMIDATING and you, aroused audience member lost in the fantasy, need to cope with that.
We’re well into October and I’m feeling damn good; better then I have in years as a matter of fact. So let’s get spoopy together as Halloween approaches.
I’ve gone on record about how much I love horror movies and how important they are to society as a whole. But other than one brief look at famous folk creatures that deserve the screaming spotlight, I don’t think I’ve ever talked about specific monsters in horror cinema. That seems odd to me since the monster is so critical to the film. They embody all of our anxieties and fears that the protagonist must overcome and reveal a great deal about ourselves in the process.
So, this year, I’d like to let this weeks article serve as a love letter to three movie monsters that I feel haven’t gotten the props they deserve and – hopefully – show you why they mean so much to me as a horror fan and a cinemaphile.
Even when he’s been a total jerk to the people he loves, Sanda (the brown one) still looks after his brother Gaira in his hour of need.
Source: Musings of a Middle-Aged Geek
For those of you who, like me, have a weakness for Japanese monster films, War of the Gargantuas is right up your alley. It’s the tragic tale of two brothers torn apart by their own ideologies. It’s just that said brothers are also the movie’s monsters and the ideology is mutual co-existence with humanity versus predatory survivalism. See, Sanda the Brown Gargantua was raised in the care of humans and understands their capacity for good. His brother Gaira, on the other hand, spent most of his life out in the wilds and only sees them as another food source.
My primary interest in these two is less to do with the story however and more with the technical aspects of their design. For one, the costumes that the actors wear expose more of their faces than the average rubber suit monster. This allows them to be much more expressive than others of their ilk. Also, Sanda and Gaira are supposed to be much smaller than other giant monsters of the time – only about 30 meters tall (98.4 feet). By comparison, Godzilla has been between 50 and 150 meters tall (164 – 492.1 feet) depending on the era of the films he’s in. This means that the miniature sets that the actors stomp around had to be built much larger and, by extension, more detailed than other films around that time. It’s a minor change, but one that makes it stand out if you’re a connoisseur of the medium.
Sometimes, it’s less the monster itself and more what it does for the genre.
The Return of the Living Dead is a staple of the Zombie Apocolypse sub-genre that turns the rising tides of the undead into an allegory (emphasis on GORY) for the drug culture of the 80’s that sympathizes with the punks who are just looking for anything to make them forget the pain of life (remember, the multiple threats of nuclear war, environmental destruction, government corruption, and the AIDS crisis weighed heavy on everyone’s minds).
Likewise, much like how the punks turned to hard drugs to escape the pain of living, the zombies in The Return of the Living Dead are addicted to eating brains to escape the pain of death. And the gooey mess that fans have dubbed The Tarman is part of a legacy started by this plot point. In addition to an iconic design that seems to show him in a state of constant rot and decay, The Tarman is regarded as the first zombie to ever moan that hunger-induced rallying cry, “BRAINS.” As a result, everyone now associates cephalophagy (that’s fancy talk for brain eating) with shambling corpses.
Death and beauty; perfectly entwined.
Source: Monster Wiki
But let us not forget that these are horror movies and horror is all about symbolism. And few come with as much symbolic weight as Shuna Sassi from Clive Barker’s lesser-known film Nightbreed.
Throughout the film, Shuna is a VERY heavily sexualized character owing to her early life in an exotic brothel. While some may be quick to write this off as titillation for titillation’s sake, a quick look at her defining physical trait – the coat of poisonous quills that cover her body – makes it clear that she is both physically and emotionally in control of her sexuality. Nobody can lay a hand on her unless SHE wants them to; the ultimate empowerment fantasy for any sexually charged woman that can relate to the unwanted advances of another.
Shuna is also the physical embodiment of an inescapable truth of horror; people LIKE to be scared. There’s an appealing dangerous quality to the things that scare us that make us curious or even obsessed with them. It’s the main reason why we go through haunted houses, ride rollercoasters and – indeed – watch scary movies. By making someone so beautiful so intensely dangerous, Shuna Sassi captures this dualistic nature of the horror genre.
I’ve spent a few articles celebrating YouTube channel that were a lot of fun and/or added to society in some small measure. But, I feel like it’s time to show some love to other social media giants.
In all honesty, I have difficulty with Twitter. Its brand of ‘micro-blogging’ isn’t conducive to the ramblings of a long-winded so-and-so like me. That said, I still make use of it to keep up to date on happenings and goings-on. But, in my searches, I’ve found a few feeds that were genuinely good on their own merits. Such as…
I pray I look this good one day…
Source: @Penny_Underbust on Twitter
Let’s start by talking about my favorite chubby cyborg (her words, not mine).
As a recently out-and-proud transwoman, I’ve been eager to look for positive female figures to add to my life – particularly where body positivity is involved. And Penny Underbust is all about making your body what YOU want it to be and being happy with it.
As her online moniker implies, Penny’s defining trait is her rather ample bosom. And while breast augmentation isn’t quite one to one with HRT and bottom surgery, she very clearly understands the need to feel comfortable in your own skin; a need that she’s turned into a modestly successful career as a Youtuber and cosplay model who reviews clothing, plays ukelele, provides makeup tutorials, and generally spreads good vibes to all including transgender and non-binary people – “gender rebels,” as she lovingly refers to us as.
If you have an eye for fashion or just need some positivity in your life, I highly recommend following her on Twitter and YouTube and consider supporting her on Patreon.
Speaking of positivity…
Well, the other thing happens too, but THIS is something we can actually CHOOSE for ourselves.
Source: @goodnewsnetwork on Twitter
Anyone that has followed me on Facebook or Twitter knows that I try to start the weekend off right by proliferating the hashtag #GoodNewsFriday; my campaign to remind the world that there is good to be had in the absurdity of life. And these folks are my primary source.
The Good News Network, GNN for short, is dedicated to tracking down and reporting on people that are trying to make life just a little more pleasant for all of us. They do this through Twitter, on their website, and on their podcast. Think Buzzfeed, but less up its own tailpipe and more reliable.
There really isn’t much else to say; it’s a reputable news source that encourages people to do good in the world. What more do you want?
This right here… THIS is art…
So, let’s talk high-tech…
For those not in the know, a “Twitter Bot” is a kind of software that is scripted to perform certain actions on Twitter. Most of the time, it’s something annoying or outright malicious like tagging everyone that uses a certain word in a tweet to send them links to buy a useless book. But some people have begun to use Twitter Bots to create auto-generated art.
Such is the example set by Pentametron, a Twitter Bot programmed to seek out and retweet other peoples tweets in pairs that just so happen to form naturally occurring, rhyming verses of Iambic Pentameter – the style William Shakespeare was famous for using.
This is essentially a high-tech fusion of the style of Shakespeare combined with one of my favorite literary styles; the “Cut-up technique” popularized by beat poet legend William S. Burroughs in which text is scrambled and rearranged to create new works.
It’s a pleasant reminder of how art sometimes occurs by total accident and that we just need to stop and appreciate it some times.
Live every fantasy fan’s dream; roleplay as Smaug.
Source: Ubisoft
So a lot of my essays lately have been focused on LGBTQ+ – specifically transgender – issues due to their impact on my life. However, I realize that some people might need a break from the heavy topics and just have some fun. So, let’s get back into one of my increasingly favorite topics; mobile games.
In my side mission to find entertaining distractions that I can play anywhere I damn-well please (a big deal in previous months with no reliable Wi-Fi of my own), I’ve developed a sort of affection for fun and simple little games on my phone. And they don’t get much more simple and fun for me than Hungry Dragon.
Yes, from the company that gave us Rayman and Assassin’s Creed comes a manic mobile game with a simple premise; You dragon, they crunchy. EAT. THEY. ASS.
I was immediately grabbed by the visuals. A lot of mobile games claim to have great graphics, but they lack the charm that Hungry Dragon has. All of the detailed texturing means nothing if the design is uninspired. And luckily for this game, the dragons are given so much personally and variety ranging from genuinely intimidating to cartoonishly wicked that almost everyone will have their own favorite.
As for the gameplay, it’s a simple endurance game. You fly around the world eating anything you can fit in your gob – humans, livestock, goblins, OTHER DRAGONS, etc. – while dodging hazards like hunters, mines, and larger predators. Eat enough at once and you breathe a massive gout of flame that makes quick work of everything in your path. Keep eating and avoid starvation for as long as you can to get cool loot.
And the loot is indeed cool. You’ll end up unlocking pets that give stat bonuses, costumes that change how each dragon plays, and larger dragons that grant access to different pray and new areas of the world. Again, there’s enough variety and the designs are inspired enough that you’ll quickly find your favorites.
One of the things I appreciate most about this game though is it’s one of only, if not THE only mobile game I’ve played that doesn’t harass you to play it on its schedule. I’ve railed in the past about my disdain for games that force daily login goals just to keep players and how they make a simple game feel more like work. There’s no sign of that in Hungry Dragon. All you ever get is the occasional notification that an egg you’ve been incubating is ready to hatch. It makes for a much more casual, laid-back game perfect to unwind to after a long day.
While this is easily one of my favorite mobile games at the time, I have my qualms with it. For one, the graphic intensity of the game does tax my phone slightly resulting in some minor loss in frame rate. It’s not enough to ruin gameplay, but it does break the immersion for me. What’s more, I feel the lack of a competitive multiplayer mode is a bit of a missed opportunity. Games like Agar.io proved that people quite enjoy the concept of a player-eat-player competitive game.
Other than those minor points, however, this is a solid mobile game that I have yet to find myself leaving. It’s relaxed, it looks amazing, and it’s just silly fun to inhale an entire village only to find your controls have suddenly been reversed because you accidentally got tipsy on the town drunk. Download this game – you will not regret it.
I call this look, “Corporate Casual Goth.”
So after a PAINFULLY long hiatus as I dealt with moving to a new apartment, fighting with the former landlady, and living without regular and reliable internet access, I’ve finally gotten back into the swing of things. and it’s a good thing too; I was going stir crazy beating myself up about not making regular posts and making myself feel incredibly guilty over circumstances I had no control over.
But over the extended break from The Archive and in-between the packing, I was able to reflect on my new life as an out and proud transgender woman. And I came to a sudden realization; everybody talks about the PHYSICAL changes that people go through, but it feels like almost no one discusses the SOCIOLOGICAL changes one faces.
Now, obviously, there’s a good reason for that; physical changes can be quantified and measured and patterns often emerge that we can build accurate predictions off of. Social changes depend on, not only the individual’s personality but also the environment they were raised in, the environment they currently occupy, and the general attitudes of the public as they change and develop over time. Basically, Sociology and Psychology are “soft sciences” and much more difficult to predict and discuss.
That said, I CAN give my own personal reflections on the transition in the hopes that it will spark a conversation where others share their experiences and someone will find something relatable to their situation.
Now to give context to my experience, I feel I should let you know a few things. First, I’m 33 years old, so I’m starting the transition much later than most these days. Second, I’ve only been on HRT for 6 weeks, so I’m still relatively early on in my physical transition. And third, I live in southern New Hampshire and the state is a bit divided on LGBTQ+ issues. The stereotype is that the north(i.e. Cow-Hampshire) is nothing but cattle farmers and covered bridges (so very little context for or interest in LGBTQ+) and the south (i.e. New Massachusetts) is nothing but Malls and Drag Queens (so more interest in LGBTQ+, but not always proportional understanding).
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about my observations. For example…
I have honestly lost count of how many times I’ve been out in public and a random woman has stopped me to compliment me on my clothing, marvel at my long legs, or offer and trade advice on how to do hair and eyeliner. It honestly makes me feel really good to know that so many total strangers are willing to be so neighborly.
It almost feels as if, trans or otherwise, women simply feel more comfortable in the presence of other women. It’s a feeling that I can relate to even BEFORE I came out. (NOTE: this is not too bad mouth my guy friends; you are awesome too).
It’s not a universal thing, obviously; I still catch the occasional cock eyebrow from a random woman from time to time. But the ratio between the two extremes is so vast as to be jaw-dropping.
On the other end of the spectrum…
Again, this is not a universal truth; my male friends since before coming out have been extremely kind and helpful to me as I transition. However, in terms of total strangers, it seems that nearly everyone comes off with an air of indifference towards me or complete distrust – looking at me just long enough to cast a judgemental eye and go back to their business.
Now, I can’t say for sure what those penetrating stares are all about (3 seconds isn’t a lot of time to psychoanalyze a person), but I can’t help but feel like they feel betrayed when they see me. As their gaze says, “What’s wrong, are we not good enough for you?” And as someone who cares quite a bit (perhaps too much) about other people’s feelings, that sort of thing can eat me alive from the inside out.
But enough about interacting with strangers, let’s talk about closer interpersonal relationships.
I don’t always recognize the judging glances when I go out to dinner with friends or what passers-by are thinking while I’m sitting in the park with my dad having a heart-to-heart. I’ve spent so much time – over 30 years – worrying about what other people think, I just don’t care anymore.
Of course, therein lies the problem. I want to start focusing on making myself happy for a change before it’s too late, but doing so means leaving the people I care about to reconcile the aftermath I leave behind. Thankfully, most of the people in my life have been more than understanding in that regard and know that I need to start showing a little self-love. That said, it’s not an easy thought to handle and I frequently guilt trip myself about it.
Not to mention any names, but I do have some older ladies in my life that have struggled with misgendering. They’ve lost the figure they had in youth, stress has caused hair to thin, and I have to imagine that it hurts just as much for them to be called, “Sir,” by a cashier as it does me.
That said, it does help me deal with it a bit better. Sometimes, honest mistakes happen and no one means any harm. Just politely remind them and try to move one if they start getting indignant.
Of course, if you’re the sort of person that KNOWS better than to call me a man and you still do to insult me or because you’re too ashamed to call me a woman around your friends, I’m going to be judging the s*** out of you for the rest of your natural life.
So, yesterday night was a huge evening. We finally have our new apartment and are in the middle of setting up things. It’s honestly been a nightmare every step of the way, but it’s refreshing to know the vast majority of it is behind us.
As for the state of the blog, we have a stable, albeit temporary internet connection again. The only thing preventing me from doing something today is utter exhaustion from the move. Next week will see a return to form. In the meantime, I’m going to focus on making my new home livable again.
I’ll see you all next week!
The Awkward Agent's Archive 